Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
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Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.