Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Attacked by a mop.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did