Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again