PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
You Might Also Like
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
road rage
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah