Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me trying to walk in a dream
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?