Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
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Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.