Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.