Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that