Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.