Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
You Might Also Like
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.