Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Well. That’s not a good sign.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.