PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.