Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
You Might Also Like
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.