@TeeJayRush

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

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@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

@Fickle_Filly

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@MohitSharmaSays

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

@SarcasticCharm

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

@addamschloe

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her