If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

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The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.


“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.


Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.


Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.


I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.


I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.


An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.


thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her