Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!