@brandiwastaken
@Goofpoops Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
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@Goofpoops 
@DaddyJew If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
@machinegunkelly What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
@Marlebean Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
@AwsomeHairDay If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
@JimmerThatisAll She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
@jus4golf To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
@noog Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
@JamieGreenlees I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
@Brentweets I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.