@brandiwastaken

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

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@HatfieldAnne

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

@gitson_shiggles

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

@sixfootcandy

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

@KentWGraham

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

@

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.