Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*