TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.