@brandiwastaken

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

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@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@noog

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.