Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I love you to the refrigerator and back
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.