Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
How animals would run if they were human
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.