Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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4. Realize you applied concealer
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HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
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Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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Octopus:
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.