[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*serious situation*
My brain:
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.