Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.