PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady