[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
New tinder profile pic
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™