[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.