[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date