@SondraDeeMe

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

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@MehrangizC

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

@PeachyPixel8

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@nPhelendriqal

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

@josephknuckles

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

@

This makes total sense…

@nekolot

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?