“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
that de-escalated quickly
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure