“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”