*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address


We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//


2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over


We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”


“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun



Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.


Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.