*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.