@better_off_dad2

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

You Might Also Like

@NYC_Blonde

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@crashtestdrummy

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

@tastefactory

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

@daemonic3

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

@Tmoney68

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@truegritrumble

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

@Darlainky

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.