[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My Guy
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: