PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Mornin
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
pep talk
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted