[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
black phone good
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”