parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
twitter is a journey
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me