Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of