Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.