Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.