Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

GM✌🏻

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.