Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Ok but actually
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end