PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”