“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
whatcha thinkin bout
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”