Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.