Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.