party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.