[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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