[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“OMGJK” -atheists
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
me, too, girl. me, too.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*