[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
You Might Also Like
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Just grow your own
notice
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get