[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.