[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You Might Also Like
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Seas the day!!!!
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.