@althene

Pass gas, not judgment.

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@dshack8

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

@BobTheSuit

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

@coalslag

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

@IamEnidColeslaw

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

@DriftLight

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

@AnkCoupleTO

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@antheanton

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

@iinkedZombie

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.