Pass gas, not judgment.
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”