Pass gas, not judgment.

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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.


Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.


Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.


If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?


“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL


I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.


[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?


In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.


If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉


The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.