“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!