Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
3% human
97% stress
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Classic German Shepherd 😂