Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”